So much has happened in the past year that I almost feel like a new person. My eyes have been opened to the true intentions of people I loved and believed cared about me. It’s kind of achy, to be honest – my eyes, my mind, my heart – achy to the strain of realization that’s come from everything I’ve been through…from everyone I have cut out of my life.
This is going to be a rather personal post, I think. I’ll make it as general as possible so it’s easy to understand, but it won’t be very easy for everyone to swallow – especially those who I’ve stepped away from.
I don’t want to offend anyone I used to have in my life. That’s not my purpose here. But I’m certain it’s going to happen anyway and the reason WHY is ironic. They’ll be offended for the exact reason I’m posting this – because of cultural barriers. These barriers that block them from what they don’t want to believe is real, because it doesn’t fit in with their beliefs or their demand from the people within the culture.
If anyone has been paying an ounce of attention throughout my blogging and time spent on social media the past years, you would know I come from a community of Romanian Pentecostals. Now, the Romanian Pentecostals are not like all other Romanians. Nor are they like all other Pentecostals. In fact, they have their own little niche in this world. The Romanian Pentecostals are their own world.
Think of it this way: the concept of “The Village,” by M. Night Shyamalan. A good-sized community, living in a village surrounded by the woods, unaware of the world around them – except for the smaller group of people that run the Village. They know about the world around them, but they don’t want their villagers to know. The world is a 
dangerous place full of dangerous ideals that don’t appeal to the head of the Village, so they use fear tactics to keep their people away from asking too many questions and from dipping their toe too far out of the community.
That’s the way my community was.
And it’s not necessarily a bad thing –
unless you’re like me. Unless you’re not cool with everyday people dictating your life and telling you that your personality is somehow a threat. That you’re not a good enough person because you don’t do everything their way. You’re “too Americanized.” (hello, we’re in America!)
I had a good childhood. I was raised in America, but within a Romanian Pentecostal (RP) community. I saw both sides of the coin and I asked questions as I grew up – something a lot of my RP peers didn’t do, apparently. I suppose that’s my biggest sin – questioning the world around me. I suppose that’s what got me in trouble in the first place.
Most women I know are happy with their lives within the community. (oh snap…most “women?” Where are we going with this?!) But not all of us.
The women of this community generally have two options: stay home and raise your children while your husband goes to work, or get a job and raise your children (if you have them) with your husband and hope the kids don’t turn into douchebags. (this is a jab at the RP community – not working moms. There is so much more to compare here but I’ll control myself) 
I later realized, though, that the relationship where both parents would work is atypical to most of the RP community – unless both husband and wife are more Americanized. Most of my friends’ moms were home all the time. Their dads would be out working. The dad would come home at the end of the day and the mom would be running around to serve him his dinner, clean up, keep the kids under control – all that. The old-fashioned family of the 50’s. Again, not a terrible thing, if that’s what you want in life – which, a lot of these people do. That’s what they grew up with and saw and aspired to be. That’s the dream life to many of the girls who never do the dreadful dipping-of-their-toe into the world around them – the girls who decided to remain sheltered by the Village traditions.
I, personally, grew up with every aspect of my personality pointing in the opposite direction. I had questions. I had ideas. I had opinions. (which apparently makes me not intelligent, but demon-possessed to many of these people – I kid you not. This theory was thrown at me several times now) But when I hit the age of about 16, every girl around me was looking for a boyfriend – the boyfriend who would eventually be her husband. Many of them were married by 18. Some even by 17. Again, this is normal and acceptable in the “the Village.” As for myself, my parents never pushed me into marriage or the life our culture offered, but I moved forward anyway because I was all, “culture is important and I had a good childhood.” Again, it wasn’t weird to me. I didn’t complain. I just went with it and as I went with it, I continued my hobby of writing (yes, writing fits into all of this).
When I published my first book, I started getting the raised eyebrows from the community. What was I doing? I was a mom. A wife. I shouldn’t have time to write. I should be focusing on cooking and cleaning. Baking and crafting things to make life easier on the family. I shouldn’t have time to sit and put words together into a story. What’s the point? It’s a waste of time! (again, these are all actual things that were said to me recently and I would nod my head and keep doing what I was doing.) Already, I was under the “strange and out of place” radar.
Now, I’m not going to get into dirty details of what happened in my home life – in the end, what’s done is done. Where I want to turn focus is on this community because it’s such a large community in America. It’s a problem that I am not alone in dealing with but many young women and it will continue to happen until the “Village” realizes what they’re doing. They’ll continue losing women from their community because of these cultural ideals – these barriers.
Let us be vague so no one can really come at me as “attacking” anyone in specific.
When things start going “downhill” in the home life, the immediate response many women get is “well, what are you doing wrong?” Now, let the record show that several women have had issues within their home-life for several years before finally standing up and bringing the issues to the attention of the RP community. And they usually only 
bring these issues to attention when they just can’t handle it anymore and it starts affecting their ability to function as a person. I mean, a person can only fake smiles and hide inner scars for so long. But it takes a lot to come out with these problems and mostly because of fear of the community. You’re raised with this harsh idea that you have to meet the standard of what the culture sets. You have to be one way. You can’t say or do anything to be looked at differently – unless you have money. You can be looked at differently for that because “money matters.” Materialism is strong in these ones. But you’re raised with fear of what people will think and that follows you down to your kids, too. You have to keep your kids under control so they don’t “shame” you. It’s this whole “Family honor” system and they don’t even realize it. No, they cover everything up with religion. Everything they do is backed up with some religious idea – no facts – just ideas and “laws” that they pick and choose to twist according to the situation. Some “Villagers” grow thinking it’s some kind of deep, faith-based community…but man, how from the truth it really is.
Let’s turn back to this: “What is she doing wrong?”
This is the biggest problem for the Village – what is she doing to cause the problems? It doesn’t matter to them what’s actually happened behind closed doors, because any form of abuse is completely overlooked if there’s no mark left. Even with a black eye, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if they would still immediately question the wife. Of course, if there is anything “iffy” about the woman, say…a hobby that’s not acceptable? That “iffyness” is immediately blamed. There are so few women in the community who do something intellectual…which sounds terrible, I know, but I have no other way of putting it. They bake. They knit. They do things with their hands. It’s what is expected of the married women but when she’s doing something they don’t understand or don’t think is “important enough,” it’s used against her.
The problem here goes immediately back to gender roles. This is the part where I throw up a little in my mouth because I’ve never considered myself to be a feminist…but within the the RP “Village,” it all just goes so far.
The Village is still hung up on the idea that the man is not only the head of the family, but the last word on decisions. Sure, the idea is Biblical but what about all the other ideas surrounding that one? Those don’t play into this culture so strongly because it doesn’t give the “Village” its power over its people so strongly.
Of course, no one will admit to any of this because they don’t see it in the light that I do now. Even the women don’t see it until something so big and life-changing happens and their eyes are forced open while their heart is cleaved by the reality of their situation. Until then, she knows her place, her duty, and she plays the game like the other women in the Village.
This cultural barrier completely ostracizes women when marital problems come out. The wife’s problems are apparently only problems because she’s not doing her “duty” correctly. Because she spends her time “inappropriately.” She doesn’t offer what she is expected to offer. And not just marital problems or married women, even. When a single woman in the community steps out of the Village norm, she’s immediately bombarded with accusations, rumors and gossip and then it all goes back to the whole family shame thing. It doesn’t matter to them what the girl is actually going through. The parents now focus on fighting to show they’re good people and it’s their daughter who’s out of line. In most cases(though not all), even the parents shame their daughter. I have not seen anything like this happen with the men and sons of this community, though. That’s a questionable part of all of this.
As for the women who go to school and get jobs… You know…the ones communicating with people outside of the Village – either in person or via social media – they’re immediately thrown to the wolves with nothing but rumors and gossip to follow them as they try to put their lives back together… Because, according to the Village, the world is a terrible and dark place full of people who make wrong choices and people who are going to Hell because they don’t worship God the way this community does. Everything someone from the outside does is judged. Mocked. Damned.
So, naturally, when all of the woman’s at-home problems don’t “fit in” with the ideals of the Village and they have no answer with which to help her, they take her faith in God and use it as a weapon of fear-mongering to scare her into submission. When it comes down to actual dirty details of any of the abuse going on at home, the wife/woman is brushed off as a liar and supposedly possessed by some spirit.
This is the reality of thousands of women in America. Sure it’s not like the Middle East where they’re having acid thrown on their faces or having their genitals sliced off but this is still something people should be aware of – specifically young ladies growing within this community. There are women cutting themselves off from everyone who acted like they cared – entering a world with no one to lean on anymore – because she doesn’t feel she deserves what she’s been dealing with – because she no longer feels safe in her “Christian” community. Family and friends put her down and brush off her troubles as nothing more than, “well, God gave men a certain control over their wives and women and you’re clearly the reason why. You’re out of control. You’re not submissive.” God forbid the woman feel afraid at home – if she’d behaved, she’d have no reason to fear.
What’s the point of this post? This post is mainly to other women within this community. To those who think that attacking a person who is already suffering is going to help anything. Talking so much about these women who did what they felt they had to do because of their circumstances in life isn’t doing anything but making you look sad and unhappy with your own life. Talking crap doesn’t stop what’s happening. It’s just another of the community’s ploys to make the girl feel like garbage and ashamed, when she shouldn’t.
This is the most important part now – it’s for those who did leave the community because they were judged and attacked and hurt on the deepest level possible. Ladies, keep your eyes open and don’t let the rumors about you get you down. You’ve done the unthinkable – you’ve found a way without them. You’re out looking for true happiness and a light in your life and if anyone has the balls to tell you you’re wrong for that, then screw ’em. They can’t possibly care about you then. It’s all about their own pride and reputation in the end. It’s always been. Once you’re placed under the community’s black sheep label and the rumor spread, there is nothing you can do or say that will change their idea of you. They’ve set their opinions in stone and the rumors will always be there. You were strong enough to make the choice to walk away and live. Don’t let anyone scare you or shame you back into their hands.
If you honestly do desire with your own heart and mind to go back, then do so for yourself but you’ll still have to accept the rumors and shaming that was there because there are so many of these people who can’t let go. But remember…
…they’re just words. Just ideas. Just opinions…all hanging in the air by nothing, because no one can possibly know the truth or the depth of your pain and circumstances when they weren’t there.
Make your changes. Create your life. Find happiness. If they don’t like it, oh well. No one asked them to watch.
(note to The Village: I will not be opening any messages or taking any comments from anyone angry about this post. It’s based off my own and others’ experiences. Facebook messages, text messages, emails – they will be deleted at first sign or mention of your “feelings” toward what I have shared. It is what it is.)
A Lightworker's Experience 